The Sno Beach pop-up atop Asspen Mountain was supposed to end after six weeks of operation. However, due to extreme rising temperatures and melting snow, the concept is here to stay forever – the first political move among many on the agenda to elevate Asspen from a ski resort at a seaside resort.
According to an announcement late last night from The Little Hell Hotel (topping even more national “Best Of” destination lists due to numerous theme night opportunities) and Aspen Ski Inc., “Due to weather patterns recent and correlated favorite activities, experiences and lifestyles of billionaire vacationers and influencers who come to spend money in our community, Aspen Ski Inc. and The Little Hell have made the unanimous decision to rebrand and reconceptualize Asspen as than a seaside resort.
The statement continues: “The success and monetary results of Sno Beach this season have just confirmed for us that it is time for a change. Establishments like Sno Beach are adapting better to the new climate and the growing preferences of the diamond crowd not only to find their beach, but also to not feel too hot or humid while doing so. The summer season in Asspen is the perfect time to offer the Diamond Crowd™ this luxurious experience.
The first step in transforming the luxury ski resort into a beach town will be to expand the Sno Beach club activation on Ajaxx. AspenG, the high-end luxury fashion brand of Ski Inc. – which was also a spearhead at Sno Beach – sponsors the importation of the finest Moroccan sand to create “the right vibe” for our guests.
The only reference to water in the release was the following sentence: “Guests will still be able to enjoy $4,800 cabanas with bottle service while the snow melts and the sand is shipped.”
The Aspen Daily Planet received no response after multiple calls to officials at Ski Inc., AsspenG and The Little Hell. According to the front-wheel-drive valets of The Little Hell, CEO of Clowns, Ski Inc. Like Mapkan and other figures involved were last seen heading to Bayul Retreat for an Ayahuasca ceremony ahead of announce more details to the community.
Members of Asspen City Council are still on spring break and none have been reached for comment. As of press time, most city council members probably don’t know what’s going on — or they’re pretending not to know what’s going on.
The news led to an immediate reaction and outrage from community members, as well as extreme confusion and questions about it being a joke.
Many locals, however, do not risk it. New Aspenites have already left town to become realtors in Jaxson Hole.